an etude for the question of greatness

Now, for three months, I have been hesitant, I can't seem to improve. Sometimes it feels like stuart, my teacher, himself is mocking me, telling me how much I improved and now this long consitent line that neither goes up or down is there...

thanks for stating the obvious, very lovely.

I'm sorry I seem to be using this blog more to rant, but I feel so...

dead

musical wise

I know what I want, I know how to get there...

and yet something about me is scared, and not willing to commit.

am I scared of commiting?

I feel like I cannot grasp greatness the way I did last year, it scares me. My mind, my heart knows my current situation, it knows it so clearly, and I barely barely improve.

I say, "I'm gonna practice for four hours today!"

and yet, I end up practicing for only an hour, in which I get only half my minors learned and sounding like crap.

Maybe I just need stuart to yell at me, I'm gonna ask him to, if he asks me if I practiced, I'll say, I can't seem to commit to practicing, I cannot seem to have that desire to improve as I did last year, but I know I want to, I want to so much. So, maybe if you yelled and said all the horrible things I've been doing musically in the most rudest way possible it may help?

he might as well tell eman I'm going insane.

I truly don't understand whats going on, are there times when musicians cannot be great? I mean, be on the road to greatness? I'm not saying detours, like turning away from it?

Why?

Shouldn't we stay on that road forever?

I don't understand why i'm like this, why I cannot commit. I get to play Poulenc, a completely contrasting piece from Mozart, I could be in the Wind Symphony if I practiced hard enough, even CYMO, even all state, all southern

so why God? So why? why why why? Why to myself? Why can't I do it? Is it because I realized I'm a selfish low life? Is it that? My flaws that keep me from it? Do I not deserve to be a musician who can improve purely on love and dedication to music?

Perhaps God, it is all my flaws, now that I have realized them, is this the way of repentance?

by being so low and failing?

But you wouldn't do that God, I know you wouldn't. So why? Why why why? Is it because of my competitive attitude back in eighth grade? My head I held so high, my pompous talk of how great I was indirectly?

is it because I was selfish as a musician in eighth grade? the praise had gone to my head?

if so, please remind stuart to be overflowing with anger I do not know half my minors, tell me I'll never improve.

Let him yell and torture me with an hour of scales, boring exercises on the poulenc...anything....just let me improve alot within these last four weeks God.

Or perhaps it is because my pompous, big headedness is poisonous to the world? that I am to become worthless because o fit?

thats seriously not nice at all, when the hell with mr. a yell at me? Or stuart? I mean REALLY yell....

if only mr. acciani was whacking me with a chair and yelling at me for interfering with the academy...sometimes I wish that could've happened, I could have gotten fired up.

So why am I walking blind folded God, I know where to go, but I didn't realize there was a wall, can you take that blind fold off?